...On Red Bowls

As it nears Mothers’ Day, I think of my 20 year old cat, Bailey. At her age, she can’t get around much, and will meow for her red water bowl. I’ll offer her food and water in different places and containers all through the house, but in the end she loves her red water bowl.

My two grown sons live far from us in different cities, but as I sit and pet Bailey and watch her drink from the red bowl, I am reminded of their likes, and all the years of making sure that they had things that brought them comfort.

One son would like one thing, the other something completely different, but we would learn what each of their own red bowls were. Sometimes I’d get it wrong, sometimes I made mistakes, but the caring of trying to get it right reminds me of us mothers and how we try. And I mean mothers to whatever you love and care for - a child, an animal, a loved one.

I used to say my kids lived rent free in my belly for 9 months - but the truth is, I’ve have been so lucky to have learned so much from being a mom to my sons as well as our cats in life. As I say to my kids, “as your mom, I will love you no matter what; I will never stop loving you; and I will worry about you until the day I die.” Some days they’re probably thinking “just go away", but of course we won't.

My mom passed several years ago, and I would love to be able to talk to her, even one more time, just to listen to her voice and thank her for all the ways she taught me how to be a mother.

And with those thoughts, I’m back to filling up that red bowl…

...On Similar Interests in a Partner

 Are similar interests important in a relationship?

Are friends and time alone important in a relationship?

Usually, I don't write about marriage or long term relationships, but one of my readers asked me how I remain happy in my 42 year marriage and why has it lasted so long. Having previously in life been a marriage counselor, I had a few pieces of advice that seem to be important when picking a relationship and continuing to be in one:

1. Have a friendship with each other. Laugh a lot, and have lots of patience.

2. Never tolerate physical violence, emotional violence, verbal abuse ("you're weak","you're stupid", etc.).  You should never have to walk on eggshells or be afraid to anger your partner.

3. Maintain good friendships outside of your partner. Friendships with those with whom you have common interests that are different from those of your partner.  I have no desire to garden and I'm not particularly into cooking, but my husband and one of my sisters are, so they chat about growing herbs and cooking. On the other hand, I have a set of female friends with whom I enjoy doing things. Plus it's healthy to spend time apart!  Yes, there are times you may feel just like roommates, and the marriage can occasionally feel monotonous, or even overwhelming if you have kids.  When you become involved with someone you also are involved with their family, and will be part of their family and remain so as long as your in the relationship, no matter the quality of the relationship. I have sisters and my husband has a brother so we both understand siblings, which is nice.

4. Understand what your partner’s occupation is. Having been raised in a medical family and having been a medical social worker during my career, I feel I understand my husband's job. If you have no interest in your spouse's career or they don't relate to yours, that can be a problem. Sometimes, with too much togetherness, or after some years, people find they long for someone who is a better "fit" for them.

Gil and I just finished working on a book together and our writing habit "fits".  We really have fun doing book signings, interviews, and promotional events.   We are lucky we have similar interests as it keeps our marriage alive. For us, raising our kids was a joyful part of our life for years, and seeing our kids and their families now that they are grown is so very fun! 

Find a kind person, have similar interests, try to work on projects together, have a few of your own friends, and they their own friends and interests, and take care of yourself. I plan on being with my husband for more years as we are a good fit. 

I could go on and on about relationships, but I like to write about writing these days.......

Since I am an author, I encouraged my husband to start writing books. Who knows, maybe that is something you can do together - go to writing classes, join writing groups, and write stories or books...it is fun!

On Writing Together

It has been a while since I added a new blog to my website. You might ask: “What took you so long?”

I tend to write blogs on writing, the importance of friends and family, and on cheering people on to write.

As my readers know, I am an author of published childrens’ books as well as suspense books with World Castle Publishers. My husband is also an author of suspense books. His newest, The Last, is coming out in 2023 published by World Castle. As he waits for the The Last to be published, we decided to write a suspense book together. As usual, this one, Betrayed is filled with strong characters, and very sinister characters. In the books we both write, we want the reader to finish the chapter and quickly move on to find out what happens next.

I have never written a suspense novel with someone else, let alone my husband. I did have fun writing a sentimental grown-up/picture book I Love You, Be Careful with my sister Joan and am creating another childrens’ manuscript with my youngest son, Nick. My husband and I have very different writing styles, but I have to say most of the times it is fun - and something we take seriously.

I wrote the outline, and it morphed into a thriller. I write fast, and my first draft’s grammar definitely needs review, so in stepped Gil to assist. As he adjusted the grammar and rummaged through his thesaurus, he became intrigued with the idea for the book.  The outline changed and morphed as he provided not just grammatical advice, but writing and plot advice.

With his medical/scientific background it has made for interesting discussions. He captures dialogue in books very well, though there are times when I push back, saying "No, the main character wouldn't say that to her mom” or things of that nature.  I used to be a family/marital therapist professionally, so when I feel like saying, "If you really loved me, you would change this line", I don't.  As I always told my clients: never use that line.

There are times that Gil and I see a plot point or a character very differently, but we work out those views to try to combine our styles. I loved his first book, Brain Warp, a suspense book written years ago about the tortured relationship between Ukraine and Russia, and he likes my thrillers. When we’re done, we will submit the thriller, the publisher will review and provide final edits.

I hope you are writing, and if you have a loved one, a close friend, or even just an occasional contact, I encourage you to consider writing with them. Having my husband write with me has been fun most times, and our 17 year old rescue cat Bailey loves sitting by our computers as we write (Though I think she likes the treats most of all)

I hope you have a Happy New Year, and get to spend time with your loved ones, or at least have them in your heart.

... On Unsolicited Advice

Nov. 5, 2021

A friend of mine asked if she could give some unsolicited advice about signing up for a benefit I was looking into.

She apologized and asked if I wanted the advice, since unsolicited - I laughed as I realized that she did not have a sibling and was not used to giving unsolicited advice without asking if it was OK. I have two sisters, so giving and getting unsolicited advice is what I was brought up with from both my sisters and parents.

Advice is part of sibling relationships: sometimes it can be annoying, but most times it is done with a genuine concern for the sibling. Examples of “just normal” sister advice for me have been , "I don't like that dress, wear the blue one.” “Cut your hair, it looks better shorter.”  “Don't go to that party.” and “You’re seeing who??"

In close families there is a feeling of not wanting to cause pain with the advice, but a need to give the advice at times.  I also love to ask for advice and, even with this blog, I asked for my son's advice, as I admire his talent on the computer.

Of course, sometimes the advice is ignored or stored away in the recipients brain to be thought about later.  Sometimes, the advice is taken, whether it be about finances, love, feelings, or a million other topics. I do not like when advice is given to hurt the person intentionally or to prove a point, but sometimes the advice helps, even if it’s hard to hear. Sometimes the advised person just shakes their head and smiles at the advice thinking, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe they are suggesting that".


So....I did get lots of unsolicited advice from my friend on benefits - it was great, and it helped me realize that most siblings and many parents are just wired to give advice, and like giving it. Once you have close friends , even if you don't have siblings, sometimes through the years you give and take advice from them. I like to call them “siblings of the heart”.

My Unsolicited advice to you, reader, is this: Have a very warm and wonderful holiday season. Be kind. And whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or any other holidays, may there be PEACE in your life and the world.

...On Motherhood

Being a mom is the best job  I ever had, and hardest job of my life at times. I’m blessed to have two sons and a husband who are kind and never mean to anyone, and are warm, funny and whom I respect immensely.

I’m also happy and thankful that we are all vaccinated and they live in not-too-distant cities  with their families, to finally be able to hug them again. Being a mom changed me: I really had to grow up, even though I didn’t become a mother until I was in my thirties. Being responsible for a little human being - wow. I still get happy and a little teary when I look at pictures of them at all ages, and love to hear their voice on the phone or see them on FaceTime.

It makes my heart happy, and I can still hear them say "Oh, Mom". And the look on their face when they realize my grasp of computers and many electronic things is slim - they may give me a look, but are never unkind. They may be frustrated at times, but they are always compassionate.  The "Oh, Mom” stories they must have told through the years - like the time one of my sons got all of his classmates to sign a petition for me to let him ride roller coasters.

Through life as a parent, I have not gotten lots of sleep, and of course I will always worry about them, even though my babies are now adults with families of their own.

So whether you’re a parent to a child, a pet, or are just focusing on yourself right now, know that the connection with your mother is always there.

And Yes, I would absolutely do it all again.